


Nightmares

by YourVirgoGirl



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Depression, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt Niall Horan, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, Insomnia, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mentioned One Direction, Niall Horan & Harry Styles Friendship, Niall Horan & Liam Payne Friendship, Niall Horan & Louis Tomlinson Friendship, Niall Horan & Zayn Malik Friendship, Niall Horan-centric, Nightmares, One Direction Imagines, Poor Niall, References to Depression, Sad, Self-Harm, Sick Niall Horan, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-22
Updated: 2020-11-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:48:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27676279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YourVirgoGirl/pseuds/YourVirgoGirl
Summary: (There will be no gay relationship in this story. I love their friendship, and that's how this story was enjoyed.)It all started with a tweet. A sentence that changed the nights that Niall spends. Which turned into endless nightmares. His poor sleeping habits made him lose his mind. It led him to lose his appetite, and to feel uneasy being on his own skin. Make him afraid of his own shadow. Until it turned into a lot of scars all over his body instead of tattoos. Up to the point, Niall was saturated. At a point where he hated himself so much that he no longer knew who he was. He is no longer the same Niall. And maybe he won't be able to go back to being the same Niall again.
Relationships: Niall Horan/Zayn Malik/Liam Payne/Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, One Direction & Original Character(s)
Kudos: 14





	1. Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. A big warning to those who may be triggered or uncomfortable. In this story, there are suicidal thoughts, self-harm, depression, eating disorders, and so on. If you feel uncomfortable reading, please leave this page. 
> 
> 2\. ENGLISH IS NOT MY FIRST LANGUAGE. So if you find any errors of the grammar, words or any mentions in this story, please forgive me. I trying my best with my english in this story. I'm from Asia, and I just started writing on this page, I'm very new to everything and for that I really appreciate any help, or advice you guys give.
> 
> 3.This is my first story here. At first I read some fanfictions and I felt interested in writing my own stories, which I was too afraid to publish on Wattpad. Yeah, I have a Wattpad account with a different name and an original story in a different language, which I won't even mention. I just hope you enjoy my story and like it. 
> 
> 4\. Everything that is involved and will eventually unfold in this story, I learn from the Internet, books or movies. And some from my own personal experience. And yes, I have anxiety problem and insomnia, and there's nothing wrong with that, and neither are you guys having anything similar or struggling with it. Know that you are all perfect in different ways. We're all different, we're not the same and none of us are perfect. So don't ever feel like you're not good enough, because there's actually no one in the world who's good enough. Be yourself, and love every process. Time heals and every wound gives you experience, we grow older and our hearts grow stronger. Be a good person and like Harry says, always treat people with kindness.
> 
> 5\. And finally, this story was set up around 2013, and you know, when Zayn were still in the band. So without more talking, please enjoy the story. I hope you like it.

Niall sat on the edge of his bed. Looking up at his two slightly raised arms.

He could still feel his fingers, his grasp and the muscles of his hands, or the blood rushing to his fingertips. They were perfect, functioning and still looked the same as long as he remembered.

But, why?

Why did he get so weird, so scared when he looked at his own pale sleeves? As if they were not real, only shadows and images.

Or his body and every breath is also not real. Like he was hanging in the air, like he wasn't there.

Like his distraught, stuck to himself in his dark room. Awakened at 3:45 in the morning with a thundering in his chest, his heart pounding hard as the blood flowed through his entire body. Brings Niall to the feeling of goose bumps, shivers, until he realizes he's sweating.

He just woke up from a nightmare.

He dreamed, he drowned. Somehow, when he realized he was in the water, the icy water was bitterly cold. Froze the blood and every layer of his skin, bringing pain into his bones. It burns the eyes and makes his chest extremely tight. 

He can't breathe, can't breathe.

He just kept dragging down into the icy water, his body so heavy that he could not move, his hands lifted, trying to reach for the water, struggling to make it to the surface.

But the current carried him deeper and deeper until he could no longer see daylight.

And he was still breathless, until his chest was not strong, and then the cool water poured down his nose, down his throat and down his lungs.

It really hurts. He remembered how cramped and painful it was when he tried in the water, until slowly the darkness swallowed him up, and he literally sank to the bottom.

In that moment, Niall awoke. Asphyxiating, trying to breathe as much air as he can. It was the sound of his voice and his breath that made Niall realize that he was just having a bad dream.

A few minutes later, he was finally calmer. Niall turned on the nightstand, and saw the clock that was now too early in the morning.

He then lowered his feet to the floor, intending to go to the bathroom to wash his face and try to calm down.

But he was still shaking enough, so he stayed there for a while. His head started to hurt, again.

Niall rubbed his eyes, frustrated. Then let out a deep breath. His hands were placed on top of his knees, and then he began to look at them, moving his palms and fingers together. Feel them function normally.

That is so weird. He feels weird even to feel his own body, like he's just a part of the nightmare right now, or is he really still left in his nightmares?

Why does he feel like this?

Niall was frustrated. When did it start? He couldn't remember the first time, he had such nightmares. Maybe since a few weeks ago, or even a month. He forgot.

Some were very disturbing, and some very frightening like earlier, he swore he could never have a deep night or sleep without waking up from those nightmares.

And it's really exhausting. Tonight, it's just as exhausting. In fact, he and the lads are scheduled for a couple of interviews this afternoon.

Niall again sighed, and at last stood, he walked into the bathroom to wash with fresh water.

Niall turns the tap and lets the water wash his hands, then begins to wash his face. It feels so much better.

He turned off the tap, and looked at his reflection in the mirror. He looked pale, with black eyes under his eyes.

Look at him, so ugly and pathetic. Somehow, Niall felt okay with it.

He even agreed to it, he did look bad, with too pale skin and a fat body. He was not attractive at all, the ugliest and different among the boys.

Niall doesn't even like his own shadow, he doesn't want to see his figure much longer. He then came out of the bathroom, and immediately went back to bed.

His head had still been beating since he woke up, the nightmare might have startled him to the point of giving him a headache.

Niall believes he may not be able to sleep again soon. So, he grabbed his phone off the nightstand. And it started to slide on twitter.

His fingers are searching a post that tagged him. There was a lot, mostly about him and the boys.

But what attracts Niall more is the bad tweets from the fans for him.  
He found some, Like ...

'All of you agree right, that Niall doesn't belong together in One Direction? He can't even sing.'

That one can be pretty much like and replies. They all agree with her.

'Yes, he should.'

'Right, I never liked him from the start. He's fat, and not attractive at all, look at his fake blonde hair? He bleached his hair and still did not change his appearance.'

'Yeah, I thought so, too, his voice wasn't as good as the others. I still wonder why he stayed.'

Niall read every word, feeling empty. He didn't understand why he was still searching and curious about the tweets. And even stranger, though he knew he should be in pain from what they said, he felt nothing, even more.

Maybe because he's used to this, he's been doing it for god knows how long.

One day, after a concert with the boys, they had five breaks and Niall started looking through social media.

At first, the whole bad post was perfectly hidden, so little and just a fraction of a few others. The good tweet of the other one, it blinds Niall from the bad that could hurt him.

Until, quite by accident, one post just appeared in front of his cell phone screen, caught his eye and concentrated right there. Just one, a coin that narrows it down between the others. And just a sentence.

'Niall is so fat, he should be ashamed of himself.'

That one sentence, like a glue immediately glued to his brain. Brings Niall's mind to a lot of other questions. Confused him.

What was his fault? Why should he be ashamed?

After reading the tweets, Niall stopped and moaned for almost a minute. Later, he became curious and wondered if he could find the other tweets. He wanted to know how many people did it, how much they hated him and didn't want him to be among the boys, in One Direction.

He's worked up his curiosity. But he seems to have learned too much already. He had dug too deep, down to the part that had managed to hurt him, by then.

After that shocking afternoon, Niall was instantly withdrawn. The rest of the night he spends on pensive mounts and forces his brain to question, about what people think of him. About how bad he is.

In fact, he didn't have much to say at dinner that day, and immediately entered his room as soon as they finished. He said he was tired, he wanted to sleep early and he should have done that.

But, again that night he was again seduced by how people viewed him.

Niall went deeper on Twitter and social media, looking for more bad posts tagging him, eventually staying up all night because of it. And so it went on that Niall's nights changed.

From then on, Niall adopted the same routine as his bedtime routine, a ritual he had to complete or he would not be able to sleep peacefully.

To a point where he got used to it and became addicted. Circumstances that could no longer harm him.

When he started thinking about it as honesty. And whatever he's reading is true, what they're saying, it's all true.

He is fat.

He is ugly.

He can't sing.

He's so pathetic.

He should be ashamed.

At that point, even now when he was shifting in his phone, Niall felt satisfied.

Because it's all true. And he's starting to accept it, as a fact. And each of those facts, is embedded in his head as a reminder.

And maybe they triggered the nightmares he was having every night. That made it hard for him to sleep, and exhausted.

Niall knew, but he couldn't stop.

He knew people had broken him to pieces every day, and he knew he shouldn't care or he should talk to the boys about it.

How this all started to bother him, and how he had to keep himself from being hurt any more.

But once he started, Niall couldn't stop. He lost control, for so long that he became immune and took it all in.

He started to feel afraid or even disgusted at himself in the mirror, or when he had to hear his voice singing on the stage.

His fake hair, his too pale skin, his fat body, the shortest among others. How bad he feels.

Niall felt he was getting upset and blamed himself again. And that feeling made his headaches even worse.

He decided to call it a day and get rid of his phone back at the nightstand.

Niall squeaks, turns off the light and starts wrapping himself into a blanket.

His head still hurts, and he needs to sleep through it. Anyway, he's got a pretty full schedule tomorrow.

He must sleep, to maintain his stamina and performance tomorrow. He didn't want to add more black under his eyes, or look listless from lack of sleep.Or he might get a little ugly and fat, that's enough room for all that.

Niall closed his eyes and tried to focus on sleep. He's very lazy, though, to go to the interview tomorrow. Or out of the house. He didn't want to be seen or around the crowd, the spotlight anymore.

He just wants to be left alone.

Niall, once again took a short breath, but at the same time unleashed all his rage.

They're right, they've succeeded, and they've won.

He also really hates himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aww I feel so bad about those tweets that Niall read, am I going too far? So this is where it starts, here I'm still explaining how it all started, we're going to start everything from the smallest change of change to where Niall feels he's no longer the same person he was. I don't know how long it's gonna take for us to get to the end of the story. What do you think? Do you guys like it? If you like, don't forget to give kudos and feel free to leave comments. Thank you for everyone who has read! Love you.
> 
> \- Virgo.


	2. Voice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The nightmares he's having are getting worse. And he began to confuse himself. What happened to him? He doesn't know either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part two! Please Enjoy!

"Hey, Ni. Time to get up."

Niall muttered and immediately opened his eyes. He awoke from his sleep that had lasted three hours.

He was trying so hard to sleep after he woke up last night, he was finally completely sound as it was past five o 'clock.

Zayn, who woke him up. He didn't have to turn his head or turn around to recognize his voice, it's Zayn of course.

He and the boys have been together for over three years, ever since they got together into a band on X Factor.

Since then those five were never separated, becoming the most successful band on the planet, winning hundreds of awards, occupying thousands of platforms around the world, selling millions of copies of the album in just a few seconds, filling the media and always being the center of the world's spotlight.

And of course, the most important and most beloved part by all their fans.

They were brothers. Five brothers, bestfriends who cared for one another and loved one another more than anything. Even their friendship was far more real than a sibling's.

They're close, watch each other, protect each other and worry about each other. And nothing would ever change that, everyone agreed and everyone loved them, as much as they loved their brotherhood.

"Oh, it's you. Morning." Niall woke up, looking at Zayn, who had been sitting at the edge of his bed.

Niall rubbed his eyes, to be honest he was still sleepy, and awoke exhausted. But he knew he had to get up quickly because of their interview schedule.

"You all right? You look tired." Zayn asked after he realized Niall's haggard face and also his black eyes.

"Yeah, just a little trouble sleeping last night."

"I'm sorry, Mate. I wouldn't push you to wake up either, but you know we have a schedule at ten. It's eight now. We didn't see you downstairs, and the others were waiting for breakfast."

"I know." Niall nodded, reclining against the head of his bed, and yawned. "I'll come right downstairs, after a quick shower." He said.

"We'll only do two interviews, I know it won't be till tonight. You can take a nap when we get home, before dinner. "Zayn patted Niall on the knee, smiling for pity on his sleepless friend.

Niall sniffed, slightly snickered. "I know, Zaynie. It's okay, I'll even sleep all day on our day off tomorrow."

"Okay. Wash up quickly and come down for breakfast." Zayn patted Niall's knee once more, before getting up and walking out of the room.

Niall was still sitting on his bed back. Rubbing his face and yawning once again, then moving away from his warm, cozy bed to the bathroom, and take a quick shower.

Niall went downstairs, and saw the boys gathering in the living room. Except Liam, who's behind the kitchen counter, is making breakfast.

"Morning, Nialler. You want some French toast? We also have bacon." Liam greeted him with a smile and showed him a plate of toast with butter and bacon.

"Morning, Liam. It's looks good." Niall answered in a limited way, then came upon Louis and Zayn, who were sitting on the living room sofa, busily playing with their phones.

"Hey, Sleepyhead. How late are you this morning?" Louis greeted him as he saw Niall now sitting beside him.

"Well, just a long night last night."

"Oh, did you have a bad dream?" Louis asked, with a little grin and one of his eyebrows raised.

"No." Niall lied, he knew Louis was just guessing , or maybe just trying to mock him because he overslept but he guessed right anyway. "Maybe I'm so tired that I can't sleep, that's fine, I'll get my revenge tomorrow."

Niall just didn't want to bother telling him about the nightmares where he was dying from drowning. Then he woke up sweating, realized he was about to have a panic attack. No. It's too early for that kind of nonsense.

"Good for you." Louis' brief comment and then returned to his mobile phone.

"Where's Harry?"

"Still preparing, most will be here shortly."

Niall just shut up and leaned his back against the sofa. He knows they share a room, Harry and Louis. Although the fact is, the penthouse they live in is big enough to give them five rooms each.

But this kind of thing has been a thing they've been doing since the band. Niall should be able to share a room with one of them, but since a few days ago he has completely lost his mind and only wants to sleep by himself.

Because, his nightmares are getting worse. He was also planning on going to sleep peacefully and soundly tomorrow, because they finally got the day off. Looks like in two or three nights, he'll sleep on his own.

Soon, Harry was also downstairs and as soon as Liam saw the four of them gathered, he called them to start breakfast.

"Guys, come on, it's breakfast." From the sound of it all, Liam's "daddy" mode is lit up.

He had just finished arranging his work neatly on the dining table and then called his four children over for breakfast.

Then they sat around the dining table, Liam was in the middle, Harry by Niall, and Zayn by Louis across the table.

They had the full English breakfast Liam had cooked with all his heart, in peace even though they knew they should be rushing breakfast because they were getting late for their first interview.

"Where will that interview us today?" Louis, open up a conversation about their interview schedule today.

"Oh, you know. The first for the magazine, and the second for the radio broadcast. The second interview was some sort of podcast, I guess." Liam answered.

"Oh, right." Louis chimed in, covering his abstion with their schedules.

The four of them started talking about some other schedules for the next day, and plans to spend the day off.

Only Niall, who this morning was quieter than usual. But luckily no one noticed the signs, because he chewed his breakfast even in small pieces.

He continued to chew while drowning in his own mind. Still wondering about that nightmare he had last night. Last night was the worst since he started having them. He was truly dying, perhaps even in sleep he himself had forgotten to breathe, when he woke up the air to be the first thing he looked for.

He's still sailing in his mind until a sting of pain comes to his head.

Shit. He cursed. He thought his headache was gone because he had slept long enough last night, but there was some lingering pain that also affected the inside of his left eye. It's almost like a migraine.

At this point Niall knows that he must actually improve or at least try to change his sleeping habits, starting tonight. And he will also follow Zayn's advice. To take a nap after they come back later before dinner.

He paused for a moment because of that pain. Luckily no one noticed his behavior because they were all busy talking and focused on breakfast. 

"I think you should stop eating." 

"What?" Niall moved away from his plate and looked at his bandmates who now also looked at him in confusion.

"What's wrong, Ni-Ni? Did you say anything?" Harry gave him a confused look. Harry's been eating in silence next to him ever since. While others stare at Niall and stop. Zayn looked at him with two raised eyebrows, so did Liam and Louis. It's like he accidentally interrupted them. 

Niall himself also looked at them one by one with confusion. "No. I thought you guys said something?"

"No, nobody said anything." Zayn replied, "since that was only Liam and Louis talking, why?" Zayn's reply has taken Liam and Louis a long time to look at Niall. 

There was a quiet pause between them, and Niall felt the awkwardness in his skin. "Nothing, it seems I just heard wrong." Niall returned to his plate, and he stuck bacon crisp with a fork. Cut off contact with his mates' stares.

Good. Now they must think he's delirious. But it was strange, Niall was sure he heard someone talking to him. A man's voice that he can hear clearly. He thought, one of them was talking, he just didn't recognize whose voice it was because Louis and Liam were still talking, too. He thinks it was from Harry or Zayn. But none of them spoke and looked at him in confusion.

Liam and Zayn were glancing at each other, curious about Niall's attitudes. "You okay, Neil?" Harry asked him again, now giving him the look of concern. 

"Yeah. I think I'm still a little sleepy." He answered, trying to laugh a little, realizing that he was now the center of attention of his friends. 

He didn't want them thinking strange thoughts about him, while he was confused about what he had just heard.

"Sorry, I know we're in a hurry." Niall then stuffed the bacon he had taken in his mouth, continued with his breakfast and tried to resume his normal behavior. The boys finally shut up and started eating their breakfast properly, knowing they had to be quick for the interview. 

Niall looked at his plate and wanted to take a second bite, but somehow the food didn't look that appetizing. The voice telling him to stop eating was still in his head, and suddenly he was no longer hungry.

Niall sighed, looking at the remaining half of his toast before then stepping out of the chair. Get the four of them back to focusing on him. 

"Where are you going?" Liam asked. 

"I'm full, you guys carry on. I left something in my room." Niall answered without looking at them and immediately walked away to climb the stairs. 

Which again makes four pairs of eyes follow in amazement. Niall was acting so strange this morning, it was unusual for him to leave breakfast. But, in the end, they were less concerned about thinking that Niall might not be so hungry and just wanted them to leave for their interview.

***

They don't come back to the hotel until about 3.20. And when they get to the hotel, Niall immediately goes to his room. He is really tired and sleepy. He was sleepy enough on the way home and dreamed of his comfortable bed. Niall opened the door and quickly fell onto the bed, yawning as his face touched the pillow.

He was too lazy to wash in the bathroom at least a little or change his clothes into more comfortable clothes. All Niall did was take off his shoes and put his body in the blanket. 

He doesn't even remember much about the interview they did since morning. He did not have much to say or laugh at and answered only when the questions were asked to him. The rest was handled by the boys, and mostly Liam answered because everyone knew how fast Liam could talk.

And the boys confirmed it was knowing since this morning that Niall had been complaining that he wasn't getting enough sleep. They also let him sleep for a while on the either leave or the way home, although that didn't help much.

Niall is grateful he was able to use that asan excuse. Because the fact is, as he thought last night, he's starting to dislike the spotlight. Or do an interview, photoshoot, chased after paparazzi, swarmed with fans, or a feeling when he had to be perfect in front of the camera.

No. He still loved the music and was still honored to be able to sing with the boys on stage. He just didn't want to get so carried away by the anxiety that was bothering him these days, because maybe some fans saw his performance, or there would be more bad tweets to welcome him on Twitter.

He just wanted to get away from all that for a while. Maybe for a few days, while he's trying to get enough sleep, and do some sports. In case he would start planning his diet in a few days, but once he could get enough sleep first. At least until he can control his mind and put his sliver of confidence back together.

Niall sighed, while his eyes began to heavy. He sniffed at the threshold of sleep and was awake, knowing that sleep felt more natural to occur during the day. He's having a hard time doing it at night. If only they had more days off, Niall might have quickly filled his sleeping needs. But reality slapped him because he knew that the day after tomorrow would be the start of a very busy week for them.

More interviews, meet and greets, and also some concerts waiting for them. He knew there would be no day off in the next two whole weeks. The only day off they have is tomorrow. Niall tries not to think about it, so he should focus on his rest and his stamina by tomorrow. And within minutes, Niall finally fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the second part. Who do you think Niall heard? Was it just his imagination? Or perhaps you know what happened to Niall? I hope you enjoy the early part. I'll try to get serious about this plot, and I hope the results can make you enjoy the story. And thank you again for everyone who has read! I appreciate your time.
> 
> -Virgo.


	3. Control

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are starting too much right now. But Niall's still doing fine, so far. He's still in control.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New part! Please enjoy everyone!

"Hey wake up, Sleeping beauty!" Niall woke up to the sound of Louis shouting, knocking his door open. 

'God dammit, that little--!'

He just gave Niall a heart attack. "Wake up, Irishboy! Dinner time. Geez, you slept most of the day."

Why of all the people would they send Louis? Who would have screamed in front of his ear if Niall hadn't locked his door. "Yes, yes I am awake!" Niall sighs and then screams Louis back. 

"Hurry downstairs, and next time don't lock your door." After that, the sound of Louis' footsteps could be heard moving away from the door.

"Yeah, of course so you could surprise me to death." He sat there for a moment, still gathering consciousness after being awakened from his deep sleep.

Niall looked at his watch, (he had forgotten to take it off by the time he got home) it was nearly six, so it was almost dinner time.

He really wanted to skip dinner and continue to sleep until morning. He slept well enough, if he could get a few more hours, he would be up fresh and early tomorrow. Besides, he's not that hungry.

But he knows Liam will be mad at him if he doesn't come down and join in the dinner. Liam chided him when they had lunch on their lunch break before the second interview started. Once again, Niall left his lunch behind and preferred to lie on the couch while waiting for the others to finish. Niall reasoned he was too sleepy and promised to eat when they got home.

So he left the bed on his way to the bathroom to wash his face, before joining the others for dinner. He came downstairs, found his four mates waiting for him at the dining table, well actually only Zayn and Liam were sitting at the dinner table. Tonight, it's Harry's turn to cook dinner, and Louis is behind the kitchen counter, wondering what Harry has prepared for dinner. Niall approached them and decided to take a little peek.

The sweet and pallid aroma of fresh bread filling Niall's smell. The tape of a roasted garlic bread still steaming warm was neatly set on the kitchen table. While Harry seems to be busy putting some pasta carbonara cheese with bacon and peas onto each of their plates.

"What have we got for dinner, Haz?" Niall asked, patting Louis on the shoulder who trying to slice a piece of garlic bread for him to taste.

"Carbonara pasta, garlic bread, and..." Harry had finished putting pasta in the last dish, and then he picked up a rather large bowl of broccoli, carrots, lettuce, and some other fresh vegetables, ready to be seasoned with sauce. "... some salad for side menu."

"Oh, really?" Louis complained when he saw the bowl of fresh salad Harry had prepared. 

"What?" Harry looked at him in confusion.

"Salad for dinner? Oh Hazza, give me a steak, a sandwich or something, I need meat after today's whole schedule, since morning we also get nothing but bacon." 

He complained after seeing a nice, healthy dinner this time Harry prepared, typical Harry. "Well, even if you don't want to, the others can eat it." Harry smiled as he churned his salad with pride. "A healthy dinner means getting a good night's sleep. It'll bring you up fresh in the morning."

A word of wisdom comes from Harry's mouth that responds with a nod from Niall.

He agreed to that, and at the same time was pleased that tonight at least they had a healty meal. The salad looks good, and maybe him will eat more than anything else. He'd rather have Harry dish than get more meat like Louis said.

"Yes Lou, the food looks great. You shouldn't complain about it, Harry prepared it with all his heart."

"Look, my Ni-Ni never says no to my cooking. He always eats anything prepared with pleasure." Harry responded with a happy smile at Niall's words and touched his chin. 

Louis rolled his eyes. "Since he's a Niall, he always likes to eat anything." 

"Yep. And that's why we all love him. Now, can you help me bring all this to the table instead of complaining all the time?" Harry turned to Louis, raising his eyebrows.

"Nope." Louis replied with a grin and then took a slice of the bread he had cut, biting it as he headed toward the fridge. Get the least of the beer he can drink before Harry prepares them a bottle of water for dinner.

Harry and Niall ignored him, they both started serving food to the table. "That pasta would be perfect with wine." Liam said as soon as Harry put the plate in front of him.

A beautiful portion of carbonara pasta with a grilled garlic bread, also a small bowl of salad on the side. 

"Unfortunately we've run out of wine." Zayn replied. "I forgot we had a party a few days ago. We should have stocked a few more bottles." 

They did start partying ever since they got to the hotel about a week ago. They are One Direction, they crave to party every night.

"We still have some beers." Louis came over to put a couple of cans of cold beer in his arms. 

"It's also perfect, thanks for cooking dinner, Harry. It makes me feel like we're eating in a restaurant." Liam gives Harry compliments. Zayn was just smiling, while others began sitting around the dining table.

"No problem Payno, bon appetit." Harry gave a little smile before he started digging up his own food.

They all enjoy their dinner. Niall himself has an appetite for the pasta that Harry makes. He was more excited about his salad, he promised to eat just a few spoonfuls of pasta and eat more vegetables. And the taste of that pasta as good as it looks, they melt in Niall's mouth and make him realize he's actually quite hungry.

He had resisted his appetite since this morning, he knew he didn't fill his stomach properly or actually finish his meal until he was full.

And their dinner this time pays for everything. He managed to finish the plate of pasta and spent one and a half extra portions on his salad. The food he eats is good portions and he also eats more vegetables. Niall would rather drink water than the beer that Louis brought.

He's got everything under control so far. It's okay, he deserves a nice dinner in exchange for the breakfast and lunch he left today. And they also talked during the dinner. 

Louis mentioned that they planned to watch a movie together after this, he and the boys began discussing what movie they should see later.

Niall finished his dinner in satisfaction. He's been pretty happy with his restraint so far. After helping the others take the dirty dishes to the kitchen, he went back to his room for take a bath before they began the movie together as planned. Louis and Liam also followed him upstairs to take a shower in their rooms.

When he got to his room, Niall went straight into the bathroom. He took off his shirt, and saw a reflection of his shirtless self in the mirror. 

Suddenly, a 'shot' hit him in the chest and made him nervous. He seemed confused looking at his own two blue eyes in the mirror. He felt even more afraid to glance down at the bottom of his body, into his fat stomach.

'What have I done?'

He's clearly made a mistake. He shouldn't have eaten that much pasta! He had promised to eat only a little, and now they would all not hit well and turn into lumps of fat.

'No. no. It shouldn't be possible, should it?'

He just ate normal portions and he ate more salad. He would rather drink water than beer. It should be okay. A little pasta won't do much to his body. 

Niall lost his mind in his own world, he saw the grip of his hands touching the sink, and did his best not to glance at his stomach. 

B-but, melted cheese in his mouth, or oil coming out of bacon, and also a baked bread full of cheese and butter. They're all fat, and he eats them all in gusto! All that food won't be digested properly because he's not exercising after a meal, and it's almost bedtime. 

He shouldn't eat that much, he shouldn't even have to eat dinner.

Niall returned to earth and looked into his eyes in the mirror. Suddenly he felt a chill over his body and began to shiver. His face began to look pale at the shock his mind had received. He feels guilty, he shouldn't think so stupid.

'Okay. Breathe. And think.'

He reminded himself, though he was about to have a panic attack.

'Breathe. Breathe. Think calmly.'

He's the one controlling his mind and body.

Niall looked at the toilet and quickly turned the water on in the sink until the water ran. He knelt in front of the toilet, opened the closet and started putting his finger down his own throat. Lured himself out of the dinner he had just eaten. And he did, so Harry's cooking comes back out of his mouth until he makes sound and hopefully neither Louis nor Liam know he's throwing up.That's why he turned on the tap, so they couldn't hear his voice.

Niall made sure he cleaned his stomach so thoroughly that his tongue felt nothing but his own stomach acid.

He finally stopped panting, and immediately pressed flush and didn't bother to watch his own vomit. Niall closed the closet and breathed slowly. He stood and rinse in the sink, washing his mouth from the smell and at the same time washing his face. He looked back into his eyes in the mirror. And the cold feeling that pervaded his blood had stopped. He was no longer trembling and could feel his own breath, he was relieved. Whatever's bothering him and scaring him is done.

Niall sighed, inhaled and blew it gradually every few seconds. He's okay now, he's back in control.

He saw his reflection again, satisfied. At least now there was nothing in his stomach he could worry about. But he still has to know how to make sure he doesn't lose control of himself like that. He must be careful, he must remember that he is in control.

That he was the one who was in control.

'Calm down now, Niall. Don't ruin this evening, the boys are waiting.'

He whispered himself. Then start brushing his teeth and taking a bath properly. He should be done soon because the boys are waiting for him. He can't make any more mess cause he didn't want to worry them.

***

The four of them had gathered in the living room to watch a film together. They sat together in a long couch with some pillows and snacks. Louis got Harry to let him order two boxes of pizzas for their snacks. Now that all the healthy dinners Harry has made are meaningless, they'll be sleeping with plenty of calories and beer.

Even so Harry didn't mind, he didn't eat any pizza because he was still so full after dinner. Harry also brought a bowl of popcorn for him and anyone who wouldn't eat pizza.

They sat side by side chewing and leaning, starting at the far left, Louis, Liam, and Niall in the middle, then Zayn and Harry sat at the far end of the right.

Louis, who chose the film this time. He recommended an interesting drama-horror thriller movie, some kind like some serial killer things. They all focus on watching while eating.

Louis is holding a box of pizza on his lap that he ate and sharing with Liam. They both eat the pizza the most. While Harry held up his popcorn bowl and chewed one corn at a time while he looked very serious on the screen in front of him. 

He also shared with Zayn, but Zayn wasn't so eager since he had eaten a pizza, he was full. Niall sat in the middle, bending his knee and wrapped a blanket from his toes to his neck while leaning his head on Liam's shoulder. 

Being the only baby who looked sleepy and didn't feel too interested in the movie they were watching. In fact, he did not focus on the movies they watched. He didn't know what was going on in the movies because his mind was somewhere else. He hadn't even said a word since they had assembled.

"Oh, wait? Is he stalking her?" Liam commented when he saw the scene of a man quietly following the female lead.

"Yep." Louis nodded. "It's going to be interesting, isn't it? "How do you think he can hurt her?" he glanced at Liam and then came back to bite his third piece of pizza.

"I bet the guy could follow her all the way in the house." Zayn answered Louis' question. 

"Psst! Quite. I want to enjoy the plot." Liam put his finger in front of his lip, told them to shut up because he didn't want any distractions at the movie. Liam seems very interested in the movie.

"Maybe he'll attack her in her sleep?" Louis continued their conversation. Don't care about Liam's warning. 

"Or maybe when she's in the shower?" Zayn replied, they're guessing.

"Guys, quit and enjoy the movie." Liam warned them, this time it sounded a little upset. Louis and Zayn both glanced with a giggle, having made fun of Liam. 

"What? We're just guessing, right?" Louis said.

"Psst!" 

Louis finally quit and went back to watch, Zayn so too. Niall remained in his position the same as Harry's, yet he chewed the popcorn. His eyes focused on the screen. Then he handed the bowl to the side, towards Zayn. Zayn took the bowl, ate some popcorn and then gave it to Niall.

"Popcorn, Ni?" he's offering Niall. Niall glanced slightly into the bowl, then shook his head. "No, thanks." Zayn was just shrugging and passing the bowl back to Harry.

"How about a pizza?" Now Liam's offering her a box of pizza. 

"No either, I'm still full." Niall also refused. 

Actually, he's lying. How come he's not hungry when in front of his face there is a box of pizza with toppings full of cheese and pepperoni? He wants to eat a piece or two. But Niall didn't want to get in trouble or have to throw up the pizza out again because he felt guilty, so he promised not to fill his stomach with anything else before bed.

Liam wrinkles his eyebrows, puzzled. "You sure? You don't want pizza?" he asked again.

"Yeah." Niall answered confidently. Liam looked at Zayn, who also looked at him, it was very strange for a Niall Horan to refused a pizza. Refusing food. They all knew the little irishboy was always hungry all the time.

"Are you sick, Niall?" Zayn asked, touching Niall's shoulder that did not move from his position.

"No." 

"Do you have a cold or a tummy ache?" now Liam's giving him a bunch of questions, by the sound of his voice he's starting to worry.

"No, Dad. I'm fine." Niall sighed.

"Then why have you been sitting under a blanket and not eating anything?" 

"Cuz I am still full. And this position is very comfortable for me right now. I'm just tired, if you don't mind, maybe I'd like to keep leaning like this for a while."

"Of course I don't mind, you can even sleep on my shoulder." Liam wiped Niall's hair and his cheek gently. "I'm sorry if you feel tired. Feel free to go to sleep." 

"Thanks, I'll just keep going like this for a while, don't mind me, just keep watching." 

Liam smiled and returned to watch. While Zayn rubbed Niall's shoulders gently. It makes Niall feel even more sleepy. 

"Thank you, Zaynie." He said. He really likes it when he can cuddle with the boys like now. 

He liked the nights they spent together, like watching a movie before bed. A habit they always do when they're tired and back home, one night passed in peace, gathered, cuddling with each other before spending their day off tomorrow. 

He also liked to party with the boys, some long nights with music and drinks. But these nights are what he likes more now, not boisterous, noisy or as messy as a party. 

Niall needs more quiet nights after the grueling few days he's been through. He still wished they had more days off, too. It would be nice if they could spend more nights like this.

The four of them again focused on watching, and others whispered to each other and commented about the plot of the film. 

Niall was still quiet, and he felt perfectly comfortable under the covers, in his current position. And Liam too often held him close when they began to see the scary scene and it made Liam surprised and he yelled a little, and Harry was heard several times complaining. While Louis mostly laughed or sounded amazed by the scenes that happened in the movie. 

Their reaction made Niall giggle even though he no longer knew what was going on in the movie, sometimes even Zayn got closer to him. Niall knew they weren't really scared, but this is how they joke and spend time together. That's why he loves them.

The film calmed down for a while, until Niall felt very sleepy. He yawned a few times, and Liam's arms made his eyes heavier. He almost actually fell asleep in the middle of the movie. He had just closed his eyes and was about to literally sleep, but not until a minute later the screams of his friends and the gunshot made him wake again in shock.

"Woah! No one thought it was coming." Harry commented as he held his chest, surprised.

"That's so cool!" Louis screamed, then laughed. He sounded surprised just then. 

"Ugh, that's horrible." Zayn replied. 

"Yeah, it was awful. What a horrible way to die." Liam agreed, he looked surprised as well, his embrace on Niall became even tighter for a moment.

Niall didn't know what they were talking about, all he knew was the sound of the shots coming from the movies. And when he looked at the screen he saw nothing but the blood-splattered bathroom mirror, so in the white sink, there was a lot of blood splashing.

"What happened?" Niall wondered. What made them all scream in surprise?

"You missed it, Ni. It was scene of a woman entering the bathroom, still wearing her coat, looking in the mirror, and then out of nowhere she pulled a gun, probably from under her coat. Then shoot herself in the mouth." Zayn explained what had previously happened in the film.

"He killed her, right? He messed with her mentally, made her lose her mind, drove her crazy. Until she shot herself." Harry picked up their conversation, explaining what he knew from movie lines. "He killed her slowly, indirectly, as if she had committed suicide, and so that he would not be discovered."

"That was..." Liam mumbled, looked up at TV with a sad look.

"That was genius!" Suddenly, Louis yelled. Then giggled with a big smile "This movie turned out so much better than I thought." He seemed so content and amazed.

"No. That was incredibly inhuman. What a psychopath." Zayn shook his head in disapproval, and Harry nodded in his side.

Niall made no comment as he missed so many scenes in the movie. He just looked back at the screen where the film had now moved into another scene, showing a tall, brunette man walking in the crowd. 

"Did you see the look on her face when she looked in the mirror?" Zayn said.

"Yeah." Liam replied. "She looked so sad, her eyes, she looked frightened and lost." 

"Yap. Poor Lady." Zayn sighing.

"Are all those psychological films going to be like this?" Harry asked, his eyes focused on looking at the screen, at the scene when the male actor was drinking and talking to another man at the bar.

"I understand now that people say that a movie can change the way a person thinks. I think I'd like to watch more films of this genre. You know, it doesn't have to be about serial killers. Maybe it's more like a drama, adapted from a book, or based on a true story." Harry turned to Zayn, a bit smiling. Apparently he was fascinated by the film and wanted to see more films of the same genre. 

"I know, they're interesting aren't they?" Zayn nodded in agreement.

Niall had been silent since his friends spoke. Then his eyes returned to the screen, the film continued. He fell silent for a moment, taking a flashback of the bathroom scene he saw a few minutes ago. 

Then they started talking about how the woman looked in the mirror herself for the last time before she shot herself to death.

The blood-splattered mirror and bathroom image upset Niall a bit. It reminded him of what he had just done in the bathroom before they got to watch a movie together right now.

Reminded him of when he had lost control of himself, and was confused by what had happened. He's lost his mind. And they also mentioned how the woman looked, she must have been confused and lost in her mind. She certainly didn't know what was going on and lost control of herself until she killed herself. It was definitely not her choice, she couldn't help it, it was so frustrating, it was horrible.

Even though Niall knew it was only part of the act, it was only a movie where the artist was paid to act that way. But the boys say they're interested, they even want to see more movies like that. Even adapted based on actual events.

Niall didn't understand where the fun part was? Is it interesting to watch a two-hour documentary about someone suffering? No. He didn't want to waste his time watching that kind of thing.

Niall was sighing, he didn't understand why he was upset. Maybe he's just a little sensitive, maybe it's because of the anger he's holding over some of the nights he's had and what happened today.

And he shouldn't be pissed off at the boys just because they want to watch more films of the psych drama. It's not their fault, they don't know anything, and Niall doesn't want to tell them, at least not until he can figure out everything and know what to do.

Niall won't let himself fall too far until he becomes that woman. Nope. He refused even to approach any stage the woman was going through. He's still in control so far. He would fix everything quickly, without anyone noticing.

Niall moved away from Liam's shoulder, deciding to go up to his room instead of watching a movie any longer. He promised to go to bed early tonight. He wants to get his sleep quality back, so he can spend more time with the boys on their day off tomorrow.

"Where are you going?" Liam asked as soon as Niall lowered his leg to the floor and was about to get off the couch. "I'm tired. I'm going to bed early. You guys just continue the movie without me."

"Aww why so fast? But it's okay if you're tired. Good night then, Ni."Liam sounds a little disappointed. And then gave a gentle kiss on Niall's forehead as a good-night kiss.

"Night, Ni-bear." Zayn also said good night while rubbing Niall's hair with his fingers.

"I want one, too." Harry called out, then stood up. "Give me a hug, I haven't had a hug from Nialler in a long time." He arms out to give Niall a hug. His behavior made Niall smile, in fact they were always embracing each other onstage, in interviews, at studio, at home, anywhere, anytime. Harry's just so extra, he's just being Harry.

"Sweets dream, Nialler."

"You, too, Haz." Although Niall is not so sure, he wants to sleep without any dreams at all. They took off their arms, and Harry was back in his seat. 

"Night, Irishboy." Louis said with a small smile. 

"Night, guys. See you tomorrow." Niall said, then walked away walking upstairs to his room.

He really misses his bed, and hopes that tonight he can sleep peacefully without having any nightmares.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the beginning of a Niall eating disorder. I feel very bad about writing this part and I know in the future I should make more of these things. And there are some things that I write from personal experience. It was like a nightmare all Niall had. In my experience, when you have insomnia or anxiety it's very difficult for you to have sweet dreams in your sleep or even to sleep without dreams. In the past few months I've been having nightmares and sometimes weird, mostly weird, and honestly it doesn't bother me that much, I just want to add a few dramatic impressions to the story, and give Niall a lot more horrible nightmares, (aww I'm sorry, Ni.) So, should I continue with the story? What do you think so far? And it's never boring to say I thank you all for taking the time to read my story. I love you guys. 
> 
> \- Virgo.


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